I was happy
I was more than happy
I prefer to use the word, content
I was content
I was raised by two parents who loved me very much
I was surrendered by a throng of sisters who adored me and shared my oftentimes sardonic sense of humor
My childhood was happy
I lie it was more than happy
It was content
I spent many a morns childishly fighting with my sisters
I spent many a nights jesting with my sisters
I spent many a nights watching the moon shine and howling loudly at it during full-moons
I had fun growing up
I really did
But I sensed something amiss in my heart
A part of me felt like my life was staged
A part of me felt like something was terribly wrong
Of course I could never figure out what was wrong
My life was perfect by human standards
Yet I couldn’t shed the layer of gnawing that followed me always
I couldn’t run from the empty gaping hole inside of me
I couldn’t run from the sadness that seemed to envelope me
When I was alone with my thoughts
And God knows I tried to run away
I tried to flee from this big empty spot inside of me
I tried to explain it away
I tried smiling it away
I tried laughing it away
I did everything but this hole stuck firmly to my soul
I had to acknowledge the hole
There was a big empty spot inside of me
Which I didn’t understand
But I knew that I must fill it with something
So I began my quest
The quest that we all dance through in life
What can fill totally and completely this empty hole stamped on my soul
I tried everything
I started with family, family was of course my first recourse
But they didn’t or couldn’t completely fill me up
Then I ran to things
I thought if I got more money then my emptiness would be filled up
But money made a terrible god
And I found myself becoming self-indulgent and insatiable which revolted me
So I moved away from things
I tried status next
I wanted to become someone that my peers held in esteem
So I ran to education
I delved rather I should say into academics
And I did find joy in being good at my sums
I did find joy in excelling in subjects others found difficult
But I wasn’t fulfiled
My empty aching heart still tanged occasionally
Albeit not as frequently
I ignored it however
And dived head first into the pool that was academics
I gained a quick reputation as a scholar which my mind adored
Everything was going to be alright I deceived myself into believing
Tragedy stealthily wormed its way into my family
In one night, I lost my dad and closest sister
The pain that stole at my heart was unbearable
It left me raw and exposed
The feelings of emptiness that I had banished to the deepest recess of my soul
Came flooding back
Overwhelming my mind once again with unmistakable feelings of loneliness
The realization dawned on me
I was lonely
I couldn’t run from the wrenching feeling eating at my veins
I couldn’t hide from the realization that esteemed status amongst my peers could not fill my emptiness
I had spent my life running
Fleeing from this big empty spot in my soul
Or trying to fill it with things, people, and more things
But in the wake of my tragedy
As I sat alone in my thoughts
It dawned on me that I had being trying to force the wrong puzzle piece in my hole
None of these things could fill my empty spot
None of these people could fill my hole
But it was no fault of theirs, they were not designed to do the filling
I needed something bigger than myself
I needed something outside of myself to do the filling
And I realized that my soul knew and had always knew the right puzzle piece for my hole.
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